It's been a hard couple of days. I'm almost at the 4 month mark of my being a non-smoker, and with that has come some expected but unwanted weight gain. Unfortunately, some coworkers have felt the need to point that out to me, as if I didn't know. What's hard is that, even while I was thinner, I still felt big, bulky, unattractive, undesirable. For a significant amount of time, it manifested in my being anorexic/bulimic... granted not at a clinically significant level, but enough to affect part of my body, such as teeth and hair. It's taken a lot of work to try and become comfortable with who I am and how I look. Still though, a simple statement from anyone remarking that I look even remotely bigger sends my self-esteem crashing. Sure F. tells me that he thinks I'm handsome, attractive, sexy, etc., I still cannot see it. What's worse is that when I become conscious of my disdain for my outer appearance, I become all the more aware of how capable I am of hating my inner self as well. It was earlier today that I heard the following song, an old one, but one that still touches my heart and my soul... I was so unique Now I feel skin deep I count on the make-up to cover it all Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention I thought I could be strong But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry? I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful Make you stand in awe Look inside my heart, and be amazed I want to hear you say Who I am is quite enough Just want to be worthy of love And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me Fighting to make the mirror happy Trying to find whatever is missing Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful You make me stand in awe You step inside my heart, and I am amazed I love to hear You say Who I am is quite enough You make me worthy of love and beautiful

While it's hard, I need to see myself thru His eyes, thru the eyes of those around. To see my worth, my value, the beauty of the creation that is me. I need to learn, or be open to learning to love myself, to let go of the pain and the rejection and the heartache. To let Him wrap his arms around me, lean my head on His shoulder, and hear Him call me His own, His beloved, His beautiful son...